California Donut Shop Diaries: Ham and Cheese Croissants

Its been many a long night that i have yearned for the delicate taste of a ham and cheese croissant.  But not just any croissant; no, the one in my dreams looks the same every time.  I grew up in Southern California, so when i close my eyes and think of a burger, i see Inn-in-Out; when i think of pizza, I see a fat, doughy slice from Pizzamania.  And when i think of a croissant, i see this:

Soft flaky Croissant, thin delicate sheets of ham, and a some sort of gooey white cheese. You can get one of these bad boys at any random donut shop in Cali.  Mothers Donuts in Whittier and 3rd Street Cafe in Downey carries them, for anyone with too much sense to drive around looking for donuts until dawn. 
But one night, when feeling particularly randy, i decided it would be a gas to try and figure out what kind of cheese and ham could be used to make these tasty (but travel-dependent)
croissants in my kitchen. 

I started by trawling the internet for clues.  None were readily available.  I read a couple of forums and "ask-and-answer" websites. All i found was a couple of sad bastards who used to live in California and via a virulent strain of nostalgia, had decided to set out on the same path that lay before me: to learn the name of the cheese of legend.  The years-old posts told the tale:  they hadn't figured it out. 

See for most carnivores, ham is ham.  But queso-philes...lets just say you cant fool a fat man when it comes to cheese. You couldn't sneak Monterrey Jack into a order of stadium nachos without causing a sweaty and out-of-shape riot and I will be damned if anyone tells me the mystery cheese in my favorite Croissant is "Swiss".  It ain't Swiss.  Why don't i simply ask a Donut shopkeep what type of cheese he uses?  Because I am a man who believes in honor and I respect his right to keep his trade secrets to hisself.

So I went to the market and started stealing sampling cheeses in the hope of finding the answer.  
Last week i hit payload: Surprise! its good old processed American cheese!  Except its White American, which is a little harder to find at some markets.  But really, its the cheese.  It is the cheese of my dreams.  I bought the Vons select brand, as that is what Vons carries. When I bought it, I rushed home from the market with such anticipation.  I was like a kid who can't wait to get home from the toy store and try out his new plaything.  After pulling my Croissant out of the microwave, i was in instant ecstasy.  It must have been what Einstein felt when he discovered e=mc hammer little 2.

Next i sought out the proper ham.  Its gotta be super thin, as most croissants i had over the years held 2-3 sheets of ham. And it definitely doesn't have a darker-colored rind.  I felt like Icarus, flying on wings of cheese.  I feared as I approached the sun-ham, I would be punished for my hubris.  But luckily, the next week i found it and have only been punished with ham-farts and cheese-breath, which i can (continue to) live with.

Drumroll please: Danola premium ham, available at any grocery store in the U.S.  Bless the fine people at Danola for the work that they do.

If you need help with the Croissants, just leave.  Go.  there is no hope for you.  YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO FIND A CROISSANT.  ANYWHERE.  Even Home Depot has them. End rant.

Well friends, there you have it.  I hope someone in Idaho who used to live in California comes across this someday in their moment of need. I will maintain this blog post like a shiny beacon in the night, calling forth all my brethren.  A great man once said, "Meat and cheese are brothers in the game of life".  Truer words were never spoken.  Cheers.